10 Completely Fictional Rumors about Smoke

The Internet is on fire and Twitter is a-buzz with word that Jesus is coming back, and this time he’s a new version of Autodesk’s Smoke. The new life-changing software will be revealed this Sunday at a private-ish event at a production facility just off the strip in Las Vegas with frickin’ Alfonso Cuaron in tow. Smoke is changing everything, they all say. Personally, I am extremely excited about what Smoke might have to offer me. A lot of people are. Maybe too excited, I thought. So, to help Autodesk manage expectations about The Amazing New Smoke, here are ten rumors about it that I just made up.

1. New Smoke was used in a recent space walk to help make repairs to the International Space Station.
2. With its new b-roll generator, you’ll be able to generate those frivolous missing shots that your DP didn’t bother to get, like closeups or establishing shots.
3. It’ll be packaged with a USB peripheral that can warm hot pockets. Improvements to prevent that nasty cold-in-the-middle-of-the-pocket phenomenon coming in an incremental update.
4. New Smoke will automatically upres to 4K in real time no matter your source footage. Perfect for those flip cam users who want a cinematic experience.
5. You’ll be able to run New Smoke on a Macbook Air – in fact, it’s going to be the preferred method of operation.
6. Energy created from rendering in New Smoke will be funneled into the search for extraterrestrial life via SETI.
7. Media added to the framestore can be converted to stereoscopic with a single button click. Actually, this isn’t nonsensical enough to be on this list.
8. Apple was reportedly interested in purchasing Smoke late last year. Autodesk CEO Carl Bass was quoted as saying “Aw hell naw.”
9. New Smoke will introduce the elusive “make awesome” button to solve such issues as lack of tripod, incorrect white balance settings, talent verbal stumbles, and poorly recorded audio.
10. New Smoke will be $300 and available for download in the App Store on Monday.

Disclaimer: Again, I made this up. Except for #3. I heard they’re giving away hot pockets at their booth during NAB!